New York – John Smith was an ardent Trump supporter since the billionaire first threw his hat in the ring. However, that might change after the local ironworker was shot by Trump on 5th avenue this weekend.
Sitting in his hospital bed, John ran through the reasons why he might have to switch his vote. “I just dunno anymore. I mean, one second I’m just walking across 5th avenue during my lunch hour and the next second, Donald comes up to me, says something about ‘it’s going to be huge’, and shoots me in the gut.”
“However, I don’t know who else I can vote for,” he added. “None of the other candidates really excite me the way Trump does. He’s the only guy who is willing to build that wall and stand up for American workers like…oh… Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Could you call the nurse?”
This is not John’s first encounter with a presidential candidate. The week before, he was courted by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders who clubbed him on the back of the head and stole his wallet, and this past Monday, he was kicked in the shins by former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
“Bernie, I mean, I have to respect the guy. He didn’t keep all of my money. Instead he gave some of it to a homeless guy. O’Malley, though… I didn’t even notice what he was doing until somebody was, like ‘Hey man, some little guy is kicking you’.”
In the end, John thinks that he will probably still vote for Trump. “Nobody else is saying the stuff that needs to be said. He’s going to make America great, again, you know. Plus, he said he was going to shoot somebody and followed through on it. That shows integrity, man.”
Update: at press time, John had been moved to a guarded room until next week’s New Hampshire primary after a nurse walked in on Jeb Bush and Karl Rove attempting to smother him with a pillow.